Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.