Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
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NOT all policemen are strippers.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.