With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
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Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Noah was an idiot.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?