Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
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*has no idea what a book even is*
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
my retirement plan is braless
There is wisdom there.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.