purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
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Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.