i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
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[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.