My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
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Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
*gets down on one knee*
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.