1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
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Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers