Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
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Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help