Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
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Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!