Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
You Might Also Like
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
The first matador
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
It’s the weekend y’all
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Tier 3 meme
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.