I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.