The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
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Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.