Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
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can’t wait til they legalize outside
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
My first child will be named New Folder.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.