“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
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I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?