15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
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Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
apparently this year was written by stephen king
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud