*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
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Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
this was the best i’ve ever seen
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”