Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*