Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
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Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.