[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
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I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity