4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
You Might Also Like
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.