It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
That’s easy for you to say
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman