Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
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Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.