In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
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[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest