Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
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The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.