*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
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And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
when dads have a rap battle
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.