who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
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acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
fair
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My father claims there鈥檚 nothing like being independent and yet he hasn鈥檛 washed a dish since 1975.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 馃槈
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
My favorite farside!!
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It鈥檚 so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I鈥檇 be in terrific shape.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants