Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
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Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter