Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
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CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Just how popey was the pope today?
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade