me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
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My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
LMAO
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
When your teen is already bigger than you are…