I’m crying im so happy for them
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Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
watergate? u mean a dam??
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
“and how does that make you feel?”