Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
You Might Also Like
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.