Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
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*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired