6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
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[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I am patiently waiting for your email
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
When the stylist spins you back around
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.