[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
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If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
welp
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?