STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
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CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.