the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
You Might Also Like
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat