Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
You Might Also Like
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.