Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
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If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I know this now 😂
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
jesus christ confetti not now
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.