Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
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I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
reminder
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
bought wrong eggs
Breaking news:
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless