Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
a fate I wish upon no one
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game