50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
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I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
britain’s three elite institutions
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Wasps: bees, but not helping
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Matt Goss
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.