Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
my first day as a raccoon
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one