I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.