Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL