#NoRestForTheWicked
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As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.