[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Cats (2019)
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
thanksgiving should be called feaster
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.