Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
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A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.