Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Still laughing at this stupid meme