If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
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Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Cinematography is my passion
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”